Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
