I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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