I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
