Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
