You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
