I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
