Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
