Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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