paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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