i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
