The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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