Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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