I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
