Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
whose parrot is this?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
