I'm jealous of your bromance
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
