bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
