i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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