i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
