Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
