Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
