i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
