just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You ruined the universe
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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