.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
