I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he told me I talked like a deaf person
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
