I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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