im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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