My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
