Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
