Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
