You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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