i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
