I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
