apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
