i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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