Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
