I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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