Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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