where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
