I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
