i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
