dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
