I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
