Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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