Umm I'm too high to move.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Did I show you my penis last night?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
