She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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