dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
