Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
