Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
