I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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