did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
