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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
